Gamer Classification

The scientific community likes to group things together – slapping up classification systems and imposing lines between species – in an attempt to make sense of what happens around them. Case in point: the Periodic Table. Do we really need it? Instead of "Periodic Table" why not just slap on the label "Elements" and leave it at that? Because that would create chaos. Why, then, do gamers get lumped into one big group? There are several different sub-groups within the overall group of Gamer. After much thought and consultation, I’ve come up with various distinct groups within the gaming community to make things more manageable. It’s by no means a complete list, having only just received our government funding, but it is a start and it’s only by open discussion that we can classify Gamers.

Fanatic: Gamer that finds one game or specific genre and plays it exclusively. Individuals in this group are most likely to create a website devoted to their game/genre of choice. Also, have the tendency to rave about how the game/genre they love is the best thing since Shigeru Miyamoto said, "How about a big barrel-throwing ape and a plumber?"

Editor: An elite class of gamer (and part of the media) who has access to all the latest games and often brags that they have the greatest job in the world. Mostly hated by other types of Gamers for this very fact.

Console: This gamer will often write manifestos regarding the steps necessary to achieve rule by the console class. As a rule, they bash PC games every chance they get and constantly bring up the whole "Plug and Play" thing. Age usually ranges from pre-teen to early twentys – those that were reared on Colecovision and the Nintendo Entertainment System. Also sometimes referred to as the larval stage of a PC gamer.

PC: Constantly badgers Console gamers about how under-powered console systems are. Tend to be older since the hardware is more expensive – meaning you need a job to update their gaming rigs. Only people accessing porn match their on-line presence. They have a strong sense of community, using Internet message boards and email extensively to maintain contact, share information, and plan the decimation of console systems.

Ghost: So named for the way they daily haunt the game section of the nearest electronics store. Best known for the way they ask, "When are you going to get Daikatana?"

Cheater: A subset of the PC, this gamer will find a popular game with a large on-line following, then hack into things or find a weak spot in the programming and cause havoc or just generally be a pain in the ass. Play Counter-Strike, EverQuest, or Ultima On-Line long enough and you’ll run into Cheaters. Often they seek out the weakest new players and obliterate them.

God: More often than not, this title is self-appointed. Completing Ocarina of Time does not make you a God, it makes you one of a million. The only ones that truly justify this title are those that can complete Miner 2049er and Montezuma’s Revenge (both for Colecovision) or another impossible game.

Overload: This is the gamer that scans every source of information published by the gaming industry – sucking up everything like a sponge – ready to spew that information with the slightest provocation. For example, you might say to an Overload, "Max Payne looks pretty cool." Be prepared for a deluge of sentences with words like, real-time physics engine, photo-realistic, damage modeling, infinite polygons, hexagonal inertia, triangles, realistic zoom, bump mapping, and any number of references to video cards. To avoid headaches and assault charges, it’s best to talk about anything but gaming with an Overload.

Born Again: Typically, a Born Again gamer is someone who equates playing a computer or console game to a religious experience. These are the people quoted in print advertising describing a game as one that "restored my faith in gaming/RTS/Adventure/Simulation/etc." There is some debate as to whether or not Born Agains actually exist. Some believe they are the creation of marketing departments.

Slacker: This type of gamer buys a game, starts to play it, then gets stuck on the first or second challenge. Instead of persisting until they solve the puzzle, they jump on the Internet to look for a walkthrough or cheat codes for the game enabling them to finish in no time. They are most likely to complain that a game was "too easy" for them.

Wanker: These are the ones that love to smear games for every tiny flaw they can find. Admittedly, some games deserve getting stewed, but Wankers often extend their hatred for a game to its developer and publisher. Most likely to be paired with the Cheater subset. This combination is known as the Wanking Cheater.

If, by your own observations and research, you have noticed groups of Gamers not included in the above list, please contact us.