Omni takes a tongue-in-cheek look at what it takes to be a game reviewer.

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How to be a Game Reviewer

by Omni

Raise your hand if you’ve ever wanted to play games, write about them, and get paid to generally be goofy. This “How To” guide has been written for you. This guide represents the very essence of writing game reviews and is based on years of reading and writing them. The following observations and notes are easy to follow and should be kept handy when writing samples to accompany your resume to your favorite game publication. (Although this in no way guarantees you’ll actually get a job reviewing games, it’s worth a shot.)

Vocabulary: use lots of big words and phrases in your reviews

Here’s a handy list: primary atypical pneumonia, humectant, lapislazuli, magniloquent, magnetohydrodynamic, deuteranopia, bryology, vorlage, Wesleyan.

The basic rule of thumb is to use words that have to be looked up to be fully understood even when a more common word is suitable.

Use lots of References

Any reviewer worth his weight in games should be able to quote book titles, some Shakespeare; be able to mention authors and philosophers and their basic schools of thought. Doesn’t a university education make you feel good? Failing the ability to drop names and quote passages from obscure Russian plays or Monty Python, you can always mention every game you’ve ever played.

Tone: sound like you know what you’re doing

This is essential. To create this effect, always mention something that happens at the end of the game. This shows you’ve played through the game – even if you didn’t totally finish it.

Also mention specific aspects of the interface layout and an event that happens mid-game.

Be precise or be vague – never walk the middle ground

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Precision requires that you go into extreme detail on every aspect of a game, possibly even incorporating a walkthrough, so that readers will feel like they played the game and didn’t just read about it.

Being vague in some respects is more difficult to do, but if you use sweeping statements or use the “fill in the blank” method, vagueness is only a keystroke away.

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For example: ______ is a great game. The graphics are ______ although there are ______ and _____ that make _____ a step above ______. Sound also helps to ______ and _____ is _____ in his role as _____.

If you absolutely need to say something nice about a really bad game use ambiguity to your advantage

Controls suck? “A challenging control scheme.”

Poor frame rates? “You have many opportunities to view the landscape.”

Physics model laughably “realistic?” “Interesting physics model.”

Did the game just erase your O/S? “My hard drive has never been so blank.”

Wit: make at least one sexual reference

Whether it be breast size or dialogue from the game that isn’t dirty but sounds like it when taken out of context, you’ve got to make some sexual reference. Especially when the protagonist is female.

Always give a lower score to a game that has been “ported” from another platform

You’ve played the game on every single platform and you’re sick and tired of playing it, so when it appears on yet another system you’ve had enough. If you truly want to be a game reviewer you must practice your cynicism!

If you’re a console fan make mention of how much PC games suck

Conversely, if you’re a PC fan be sure to portray consoles (and console gamers in general) in the worst possible light.

Your audience is irrelevant

Write for yourself and your friends.

Make at least one reference to something that only you and your co-workers will understand or care about

This is self-explanatory. All those clever little “–Ed” comments are for cheap laughs around the office and possibly people that have consistently read your publication for a number of years.

Clever Writing

Bored of writing the typical review? Write your next review in the form of a letter. Or better yet in the voice of a video game character and written backwards.

Critical comments of your reviews

It’s bound to happen sooner or later that a review you write will rile someone enough to write a scathing email – attacking not only your review but your parentage, intelligence, and ability to judge red from blue as well. You have two options open. The first, is not to respond. Who wants to reinforce a lunatic behavior? The second option is to respond with some snappy answer, with reference to their spelling, punctuation, where they’re from, or their manhood. (Isn’t email great? – Ed)

Previews are inevitable

In your duties as game reviewer you will be called upon to write previews. Above all else remember this: your last sentence should be a variation of “This is the game to watch.” (This increases the chances that the publisher of the game will use a quote from the preview in their print ads.) Just be sure to include the almighty “if.”

For example: “If the developer can improve the graphics, include more than three sound effects, overhaul the interface and control schemes, eliminate or reduce the references to eating excrement, and getting the graphics engine to move faster than 5 frames per-second, Game X is the game to watch.

State the obvious

Even when the obvious is very plain to see, point it out anyway. You may get complaints from statements like, “Myst III isn’t for first-person shooter fans,” but you’re writing for yourself, so who gives a damn?

Bugs: blow them out of proportion

If you encounter one bug in a PC game – no matter how minor – write two paragraphs as to why it ruined the entire game for you. Did the game crash or stutter while you were running a defrag, virus scan, and burning some MP3s while playing? If the answer is “Yes” make sure you include the descriptor, “Unstable.” Some bugs should be reported in your review. If the game deletes your O/S, make mention of it, if only to avoid angry emails.

Never mention competing publications by name – only infer

This allows you free reign to libel those publications while avoiding threat of lawsuits.

If graphics are not bleeding edge, dock 1/3 of the score from the rating

If you’re playing the greatest game ever made but the graphics are rendered using last year’s engine, your score of 10 / 10 must be dropped to 6.7 / 10, because everyone knows graphics are the be all, end all of gaming.

Always mention voice acting

Even though you can’t tell if the phone sex operator is really “enjoying” herself and you wouldn’t recognize good voice acting if it hit you in the ass, always say the voice acting was “mediocre”, "average for the genre”, or “nothing special but it gets the job done.” After all, you’re a critic of games not movies – leave that to Ebert.

Mention control scheme

If you have to learn the controls always write “steep learning curve” in your review. This way when dumb people (i.e. everyone except you) play the game and can’t figure out the controls you won’t get angry emails from them, thereby saving you from using your supply of snappy answers.

Now the tricky part is up to you! Happy job hunting!


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