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Like using a cannon to shoot fish in a barrel, Aaron once again takes a glancing look at videogame cleavage.




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Top 10: Best Cleavage Part V

by Aaron Simmer


Cleavage: the depression between a woman's breasts especially when made visible by the wearing of a low-cut dress.


Fifth in a long list of "Top Ten" articles that actually brings the total number to 40, here's another of the fine list of the Best Cleavage gaming has to offer!  Check Part I, Part II, Part III, and Part IV to see what you missed!




aya onechanbara


Aya (Onechanbarra)

I can hardly think of a more inappropriate outfit than a bikini to fend off the undead and that's exactly what Aya does. Of course, she also sports a cowboy hat so maybe that's what the tipping point was when it came to Aya's choice of zombie killing gear. "This revealing outfit isn't good enough, I need some protection for my head." It kind of makes sense that way, doesn't it? Right?


lucy whacked


Lucy (Whacked!)

Whacked! was an attempt at "edgy" content but was completely unmemorable because it got everything else wrong. Lucy was the contestant in this "gameshow" and she was designed with a couple of big black bars covering her naughty bits.


It's kind of an amazing double-standard. A dude being sawed in half by a chainsaw is a-okay or disembowelled (BloodRayne, 2002) but for some reason game makers have to slap really big black bars over any skin so our lily white sensibilities aren't soiled. However, Whacked! still shows what wild exaggerations game makers insert in their games, even cartoon ones that no one will remember passed the end of this sentence.


kara red faction armageddon


Kara (Red Faction: Armageddon)

Most video game character designers are either insane or sexually frustrated. I can't think of any other reason to create a character that spends her life enduring the harshest environments on Mars, a place where even the badass Mason lineage needs to bundle up, with a perfect window to her cleavage. Just imagine the dust and grime that collects there! Sci-fi chicks in harsh alien environments, cover-up!

cy girls


Agent Ice (Cy Girls)

The "suspension of disbelief" as it applies to videogames is more accurately described as "taking your disbelief behind the shed and shooting it through the head because it has rabies." "Suspended" doesn't apply. "Terminated" is a much more apt description for your disbelief in a game that features Agent Ice who demonstrated a complete disregard for proper covert quasi-military procedure. Your boobs, we should not be able to see them! The game was based on a series of Japanese action figures so the fact there's plenty on display here should surprise no one.


flint brute force


Flint (Brute Force)

Wikipedia's description of Flint is as ridiculous as claims that Brute Force was going to be the next Halo. "A Synthetic Cyborg." So what cause would a synthetic cyborg have for (presumably) fake boobs? Well, being a sniper -- synthetic cyborg sniper -- I suppose it's for balance. Right? Super.


kakuto chojin


Roxy (Kakuto Chojin: Back Alley Brutal)

Does anyone remember this Xbox game from 2002? The answer is no, even if you bothered to play this fighting game, with it's notoriously short single-player campaign of 10 minutes, you likely didn't remember anything about it after turning off your console, except a lingering feeling of rage for having spent money to buy the horrible game. The one fighting convention they got right was cleavage!


geist fist of the lotus


Geist (Tao Feng: Fist of the Lotus)

Fighting game character designers reign as kings when it comes to sketching the most impracticable costumes. Really, one sneeze would free Geists' boobs quicker than a proton fired from the CERN particle accelerator, never mind the jumping, punching, and crunching involved in smashing an opponent into the arena floor. There's no support! She might as well fight topless. Of course, then she wouldn't be on a list for Best Cleavage.


ugas conker's bad fur day


Jugga (Conker's Bad Fur Day)

For a game that featured it's fair share of boobs, even some plant-based ones, Conker's Bad Fur Day surprised me with the appearance of Jugga. Boobs barely contained in a stitched-together tiger-print bikini in a Nintendo-published game? I remember it made me squint at the screen and wonder if the 7th Seal was about to be cracked open.


rosa final fantasy iv


Rosa (Final Fantasy IV)

I don't know. Maybe white mages aren't known for their modesty. Perhaps the source of power is a plunging neckline. If that's the case then Rosa might just be the most powerful of the bunch!


There's an "a-bra-cada-bra" joke just waiting to be told here.


catwoman batman arkham city


Catwoman (Batman: Arkham City)

It totally and utterly makes completely no sense that a character so concerned with stealth and staying in the shadows leaves the front of her costume unzipped. In Videogame Land it makes sense. I suppose goons would be so distracted by disembodied cleavage they'd let their guard down for a few seconds, long enough for an appropriate cat-based quip and a karate chop to the face.


(August 1, 2011)


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