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Top 10: Game Characters I'd Go on a Pub Crawl With

by Omni

A combination of things led me to this particular Top Ten. The first was the (preposterous) concept of marrying video game characters; the other was catching a few critical minutes of that seminal sci-fi favorite Weird Science on TV the other night. What if I could bring a game character to life? Who would I choose and why? Rather than take a cue from Weird Science and compile a list of female characters – I’ve done three Top Ten Cleavage articles already – I thought about male characters I’d go with on a pub crawl. If I could create a machine that would bring game characters to life with the sole purpose of going for a few pints I’d choose…

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Gabriel Knight (Gabriel Knights: Sins of the Father)

We may never see another Gabriel Knight game, but if I had my fantastical machine I’d reach into the first game and create a living, breathing Schattenjager. As evidenced by his game appearances he can hold his own when it comes to alcohol, he’s a babe magnet, and if any serious Evil gets in our way, he’ll be able to handle it. He’s also educated and pretty good with a sharp one-liner.

Ben (Full Throttle)

Ben is a shoe-in for this list. He’s a no nonsense leader of a biker gang, with the wickedest set of wheels ever and he knows his way around a bar. Plus, he has all these skills that would undoubtedly come in handy after a night of drinking: he’s built like a tank and he can take out opponents with little more than a raised eyebrow.

Guybrush Threepwood (The Monkey Island Games)

Though his nemesis LeChuck might show up on our grog-fueled crawl, Guybrush Threepwood (unlikely hero of the Monkey Island games) seems like a guy that would just be fun to hang around with. He’s a laid back King of Understatement and Master of Distraction – “Look a three-headed monkey!” – and that’s the kind of person you need at pub crawl. Particularly the distraction part, because if Ben is paying a visit to the john you need a good distraction if you’re to get away.

Frank West (Dead Rising)

He’s covered wars and zombie invasions and stuff so he should have a ton of stories to tell. And the dude’s always packing a camera so he can chronicle the drunken debauchery from start to finish. Not to mention that he could mix drinks at any after-hours gin joint we may come across after all the reputable establishments close.

Mike Hagar (Final Fight)

I’d bring this guy along for the simple fact he eats meat out of garbage cans without getting sick. It’s an example of intestinal fortitude that is needed for eating pub food. And do you think anyone will bother you when you’re with a guy with an exposed muscled chest thanks to the one-strap overalls made of brown corduroy? (Well, maybe…) With Hagar and Ben getting watching your back, there aren’t many dives that you wouldn’t feel safe visiting.

Sonic (Sonic the Hedgehog)

I don’t think the novelty of introducing Sonic as “The Hedgehog” to the ladies would ever get old. The dimmer ones would mistake the moniker for porn star Ron Jeremy who would then tell their frat boyfriends that The Hedgehog was in the bar, after which time the frat boys would all be buying Sonic (and us, by default) drinks so they could tell their buddies they had bought the Hedgehog a drink. It’s important to get free things, because although I have a machine that can bring video game characters to life I’m still doing this on a budget.

Sam Fisher (The Splinter Cell Games)

We might not see Sam all night if we brought him along – creeping around in the shadows being more his speed – but he’d always have your back. You’re getting hassled at the bar by someone who’s had too much, Hagar’s out back digging through a dumpster, Ben’s haggling with the bartender about something, and now Threepwood’s in the john, out steps Fisher from nowhere and slaps the dude into a sleeper hold. He drags him off to a corner and smacks the dude out cold. Plus, he likes to tote around those cool gadgets, which is just the kind of thing guys like fooling with.

Larry Laffer (The Leisure Suit Larry Games)

Known for his infrequent ability to score with the ladies and armed with a plethora of sure-miss pick-up lines, I’d bring Larry along for pure comic relief. He has no special powers (that we know of) and he’s been unemployed for a while now so it’s not like he has work the next day.

Barney Calhoun (The Half-Life Games)

If Sonic couldn’t get the shots for free I’d be sure to make Barney buy the beers. Maybe he didn’t get paid much at Black Mesa and maybe he gets paid even less working for the Resistance against the Combine but he’d better damn well pony up for at least a few rounds. He was always promising us beers when we played through Half-Life, well now it’s time to pay the piper!

Peter Pepper (Burgertime)

Through the late hours of any alcoholic rambling, it always best to finish with a bit of greasy eating. Some people like curried something but I always go for a big burger, dripping in fat and mayo and onions. Who better to have long than the Chef from Burgertime? When he makes a hamburger it’s always perfect and as big as a mid-sized sedan to boot! There’s no better way to cap off a pub crawl!

(June 28, 2007)