The Armchair Horror Movie Guide: Features

The Armchair Empire presents its official Horror Movie Guide, as written by a committee of one, Axel Cushing.

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The Armchair Horror Movie Guide

It's Halloween and you're likely to be handing out candy or hanging out in costume at a Halloween party. However, it's also possible you might not be handing out candy all the time, or you might not be at a costume party, and you're certainly not going to be busy all day. Why not take some time and curl up with some good horror flicks to get you in the proper mood for All Hallow's Eve? Trust me, you won't find any Sci-Fi Channel Originals on this list.

Alien (1979) and Aliens (1986)- Ridley Scott gave us the former while James Cameron gave us the latter. Both of them are excellent fright flicks, striking the right balance between nerve wrenching tension and outright gore. If you have to pick one or the other, the stronger recommendation goes to Alien.

The Thing (1982) - Once upon a time, John Carpenter made really good movies. The Thing was probably the best one that he ever did with Kurt Russell. While it was very much a remake of 1951's The Thing From Another World, it stripped away the Cold War anti-Communist slant and gave us a much more psychological scenario. It asks the obvious question of "who's the monster?" but also asks the questions of "am I sane?" and "who can I trust?"

Dracula (1931) - While there have been countless takes on the vampire myth and there have been more than a few instances of Dracula showing up in one form or

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another, this one is probably still the best. Bela Lugosi defines the vampire in cinema for the next 75 years or so: suave, cultured, impeccably dressed, hopelessly romantic, and a ravenous monster.

Stir of Echoes (1999) - This one got lost in the deafening hype surrounding The Sixth Sense, but I feel this is probably the superior movie. It functions both as a psychological piece and a ghost story. The

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way that it seems to weave in and out of the two is incredibly well done. If you missed it in the theaters, and have somehow managed to miss it on cable, go rent it. You'll be saying "M. Night who?"

The Shining (1980) - Another film that seems to deftly blend psychological horror and a ghost story, with a third strand of psychic phenomena to wrap themselves around. Often imitated, never duplicated. Yeah, you'll probably be chiming in on Jack Nicholson's signature lines, but hey, it's still a damned good flick.

Creepshow (1982) - What happens when you put the biggest name in horror novels (Stephen King) with the man who practically invented the zombie movie (George Romero)? Five slices of horror that range from one man's strange and ultimately fatal discovery to a family reunion that goes oh so wrong on so many levels. While there's a certain amount of macabre humor to this one, it's still one of the best anthology movies made.

Scream (1996) - Wes Craven is known for his slasher flicks. The Nightmare on Elm Street series of films started out scary and devolved into camp fairly quickly. Scream is both an apology for the campy movies of his past and proof that he knows how to tell a good scary story without guys in weird prosthetic makeup.

Silver Bullet (1985) - Adapted from Stephen King's novella Cycle of The Werewolf, we get a serious treatment of a werewolf combined with excellent acting from pretty much every cast member. If nothing else, it's proof that both Corey Haim and Gary Busey once knew how to play roles seriously.

Jacob's Ladder (1990) - This is one of those movies that seriously plays with your head. Tim Robbins gives a top notch performance as a Vietnam vet who's begun to question his life, his sanity, and even his soul as he starts to experience nightmarish flashbacks while his war buddies are dropping dead and the world seems to be losing track of his existence.

Scanners (1981) - One of David Cronenberg's most famous films, Scanners is more psychological than gory, though the "exploding head" scene still stands out as one of horror's most iconic moments.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) - Probably the prototypical slasher film, loosely based upon American serial killer Ed Gein. The 2006 remake isn't quite as good. Moreover, it's interesting to note that a lot of the horror occurs out in broad daylight as opposed to the dead of night where all the other slashers like to strike from.

Lord of Illusions (1995) - Clive Barker adapts his own story "The Last Illusion" into a tale of crazed cultists, real magic, and a private eye who'd rather be doing skip trace work than constantly having to square off against the forces of darkness and insanity.

The Evil Dead (1981) - It's low budget stuff, but definitely creepy. Evil Dead II was something of a remake, only with better effects and a different ending which sets up Army of Darkness. The original doesn't have any of the comedic tones that the sequels did, and that's just fine.

Of course, for all the good horror flicks, many of which I haven't named for space considerations, there are a few which should be avoided at all costs, ones that can't even fall into "so bad it's good" category or the comedy-horror category. Don't say you weren't warned.

The Blair Witch Project (1999) - The hype and the buzz surrounding this film aren't enough to hide the fact that the film completely under-delivers. The last two minutes or so are probably the most interesting, but everything that came before it just bored me to tears. Normally, in a horror movie, you don't want the people on the screen to die. I was actively praying somebody would come along and put them out of my misery.

John Carpenter's Vampires (1998) - For a guy who's made as many movies as John Carpenter has, it's inevitable that one or two sub-optimal films are going to happen. This is one of them. Based off the John Steakley novel Vampire$, Carpenter manages to completely gut the plot of the book and hang on to two characters, both of them horribly miscast. Reportedly, the producers slashed the budget by two-thirds shortly after shooting began. Why Carpenter decided to ride the busted flush down is anybody's guess.

The Fearless Vampire Killers or; Pardon Me, But Your Teeth Are In My Neck (1967) - This is probably the most unwatchable horror movie I've ever seen. What's worse is that it's also supposed to be a comedy. Somehow, I doubt this one could have gotten the MST3K treatment the same way that Manos: The Hand of Fate did, and I doubt it would have survived the process if it had. I know Roman Polanski has directed some really good films and some which were kind of iffy, but this one just falls flat for me.

The Wicker Man (1973) - This one didn't fall flat for me so much as it failed to even attempt rising. You'd think actors like Edward Woodward and Christopher Lee could somehow bring some energy and some life to what starts out as a mystery and tries too hard to be a horror flick. Sadly, they didn't.

- Axel Cushing

(October 28, 2008)