E3 2005 Part III: Scantily Clad and Ready to Game! - Features

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E3 2005 Part III: Scantily Clad and Ready to Game!

If there was anything that was undeniable about E3 this year, it’s that there were a lot of scantily clad ladies cavorting about – maybe more than any previous E3.

The usual suspects were accounted for – Tecmo featured their usual stage show, Nintendo must have visited the College of Pert Women (again), and UbiSoft had a trio of Prince of Persia women – but there weren’t a lot of booths (or games, for that matter) that didn’t have a bevy of female models lounging about and trying to look like they didn’t wish they were on the dark side of the moon, away from the stench of 70,000+ “industry professionals.” (I could probably write a full-length editorial on the smells of E3.)

As a case study, lets take a look at RYL, a massively multiplayer online role-playing game that was on display in Kentia Hall.

Kentia Hall itself is known as the ghost town of E3, filled with more polite gray cubicles than anywhere else in the convention center and where the hardest of the hardcore could be found playing Galaga at the “arcade” setup near the middle of the hall. Ostensibly to celebrate gaming’s history but really to keep all the über geeks in one place so that if the South Hall (directly above) collapses they’ll all be squashed. Really, a visit to Kentia Hall is throwing caution to the wind and reveling in danger, excitement, and badly translated games from Korea. However, this year with Ryl located in Kentia, it was busier than usual.

Take a look at these pics:

(*To give credit where credit it’s due, I snagged the first picture from RYL's forums. For some reason a lot of my pics turned out blurry -- must have been the jostling for position.)

If there’s one thing that unites all gamers, whether male or female, black or white, straight or gay, hardcore strategy fan or first-person shooter fan, everyone can agree that games are intricately interwoven with hot, hot models wearing practically nothing. Lets face it – E3 without a lot of silicone and rippled abs on display would be a pretty boring place and merely stimulate the “shiny things” and “loud noises” portions of our brains.

Should the practice of hiring attractive models be reigned in? Some would say, “Yes! It objectifies women!” But I say blow the doors off.

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Make it a requirement that every booth have at least three metal bikini-clad models present at all times. Beyond the requirement, any publisher or developer bringing down half a billion in gross revenue would have to provide lap dances and feature a twice hourly strip show, which would incorporate the use of gallons of champagne and/or 300lbs of Jell-O. (Hell, even without this requirement, JoWooD had a section of their booth arranged like a bedroom and populated by “naughty” ladies that actually tied an attendee to the bed!)

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It should also be required that anyone entering the show (besides the media, of course) be outfitted as their favorite video game character. This is already par for the course in Japan, but even then it’s optional. Make it absolutely necessary. And if you have any nitwits that think they can get in without a costume, security should hand them a leather g-string and point them in the direction of a change room. Right now anyone with about $300US can sign up for access to the exhibits on the show floor – did I just explode a myth there? The myth is that you have to be part of the “media elite” or a retailer to attend the show, attain copious amounts of swag, get a picture with a booth babe or two, etc. Not so. Scrounge up enough cash, make your way to the LA Convention Center and you’re in, with a big “ATTENDEE” slapped on your badge holder. (It’s the E3 version of segregation really.)

E3’s tagline is “Where Business Gets Fun” but really it’s become somewhat of massive stage show, with a lot of flashy lights and muscled mid-riffs (on the models). It’s not so much about the games anymore so what the hell? Why not dress up like Max Payne, Ryu, Mario, Jak, or Lara Croft? E3 is already such a disconnect from reality anyway, why not go that extra mile?

- Omni

(June 1, 2005)


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