The ESRB is tweaking their parental warning system.

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The New ESRB Ratings Dissected

The ESRB (Entertainment Software Ratings Board) recently announced a change to the rating system for electronic media—just when everyone was starting to get familiar with the old system. Since any arbitrary ratings system can be confusing, we here at Armchair Empire have put together a short guide to help our readers understand the ratings as they now stand.

Here are three scenarios and how they would be presented in games designed to receive the various ratings. Pay attention; there will be a quiz at the end.

Scenario One — the fighting game

In this scenario, we imagine a game about two opponents in hand to hand combat. According to what rating the developer hoped to get, the game could be presented in a number of different ways.

ESRB Rating eC (early Childhood): One combatant is clown with a water gun, the other a penguin with an umbrella. Loser gets mad and runs away. Winner expresses regret that the two of them couldn’t work things out.

ESRB Rating E (Everyone): One combatant is a talking horse, the other an animated cactus. Though the horse has a mean kick and the cactus throws needles, no blood is ever shed. Winner seems genuinely concerned about loser’s feelings.

ESRB Rating T (Teen): One combatant is a man in a robe, the other a woman in skin tight spandex outfit. Blood that looks like drops of reddish sweat is seen with each connected punch or kick.

ESRB Rating M (Mature): One combatant is a woman in skin tight leather outfit, the other a woman in a Catholic schoolgirl costume which exposes her white panties with each kick. Each hit is punctuated by moans and sighs that don’t remotely sound as if they signify pain. Still, some attacks may well produce extremely bloody deaths.

ESRB Rating AO (Adults Only): Same as above with one exception: camel toes.

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Scenario Two — the shooter

Perhaps the developer is eying the release of one of those ever-popular first-person shooters. This genre will see major changes when scaled to be appropriate for a given rating.

ESRB Rating eC (early Childhood): Main character is a badger that shoots enemy caterpillars with a sunlight flashlight. Shot caterpillars turn into butterflies and fly away.

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ESRB Rating E (Everyone): Main character is a licensed cartoon character that battles enemy licensed cartoon characters with A.C.M.E. style weapons. Defeated characters are flattened into pancakes then sprout legs and walk off-screen.

ESRB Rating T (Teen): Main character is buff Marine type who battles aliens with various fantasy weapons. Defeated creatures bleed green blood profusely at first, but blood and bodies disappear completely shortly after defeat.

ESRB Rating M (Mature): Main character is buff Marine type who battles enemy humans with real-world weapons. Defeated characters explode into a fine mist of blood, leaving only a steaming pile of intestines behind for the main character to traipse through.

ESRB Rating AO (Adults Only): Main character is stripper in a G-string who battles other G-string clad femmes with double-barreled squirt gun filled with baby oil. Defeated characters fall to the ground and moan in ecstasy while the Divinyl’s “I Touch Myself” plays in the background.

Scenario Three — the voice actor

As the line between Hollywood and Silicon Valley continues to blur, more and more studios are seeking voice help from famous actors. According to what rating the game is aiming for, the cameos can be very, very different.

ESRB Rating eC (early Childhood): Voice actors: The Olsen Twins; Characters: Imogene and Emmalene Sweet

ESRB Rating E (Everyone): Voice actor: Hillary Duff; Character: Virginal Teen Pop Star Hillary

ESRB Rating T (Teen): Voice actors: The Olsen Twins; Characters: Themselves (hubba)

ESRB Rating M (Mature): Voice actor: Pamela Anderson; Character: Special Agent Ima Vailable

ESRB Rating AO (Adults Only): Voice actor: Ron Jeremy; Character: “The Plumber”

There you have it. We here at Armchair Empire hope that this guide will make buying games for your children and other loved ones a simple and safe process.

(Oh, and I was kidding about the quiz)

- Tolen Dante

(July 6, 2003)


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