The Armchair Empire - Features: The 2001 Armchair Empire Video Game Awards

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The 2001 Armchair Empire Video Game Awards

When the staff of AE gathered to discuss gaming awards, we began by striking from the list awards for Best RPG, Best Action Game, Game of the Year, etc. The traditional awards that get handed out always get hotly debated and often spark numerous angry emails demanding we change our Game of Year selection. So we're dodging that bullet and taking a look at Categories Less Traveled. What was the Best Line in a Videogame? Who snagged Screenshot of the Year? Which Console is Most Likely to Cause Physical Injury? Read and find out!

Most Blatant Abuse of the Laws of Nature: The Tony Hawk series / SSX series

(Omni) Some of the moves present in Tony Hawk are possible - just barely. But my biggest gripe is that no matter how far you fall or what angle you plough into obstacles you never break bones, lose enough blood to pass out, or suffer any kind of hemorrhaging.

(Tazman) Sorry. SSX has got Tony Hawk dead to rights. Jumps higher than 65 feet in the air and landing on your head with no blood to show for it?!? At least TH gives you the blood smear. Last time I face planted while plankin' it I left a good collection of AB+ on the Jabberwocky run at Winter Park.

Console Most Likely to be Mistaken for a Lunchbox: Nintendo's GameCube

(Omni) Just look at it! Its size, top-loading disc panel, and handle should lead to more than a few bologna sandwiches accidents.

Console Most Likely to Cause Physical Injury: Microsoft's X-Box

(Tolen) The manual speaks for itself: "If the Xbox console falls and hits someone, especially a small child, it could cause serious injury"

Game that Gives "Silicon Valley" a New Definition: Druuna

From Omni's preview: "If breast size is an indication of how well a game sells, Druuna will sell 10 million copies."

Best Display of a Navel in a Fighting Game: Dead or Alive 3 (X-Box)

After that jeans commercial where all of the girls' navels broke into song guys around the world cringed and could hardly bare to see their significant others in a crop top. The image was just too disturbing. But along came Tecmo to make the

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bad dreams go away, as they cried, "Begone, fowl collector of lint! You shall torment them no more!" With this they stayed the melodic beasts and brought us rich, lush, high-poly navels that we could look at, no longer haunted by those darker days. Kudos the folks at Tecmo to putting an end to this menace with DOA3, so that we can once again look at, and appreciate the navel.

Worst Gaming Trend for Consoles: Inability to reassign buttons

(Omni) Back in the old days, you could change

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the button functions for many console games. In more recent times, the only control option you get is: Rumble "on" or "off". Why not let us change the buttons? Even if we have to change them every time we load up the game, we'd like the choice.

Most Constipated Facial Expression: Max Payne

Unfortunately, even though the graphics in the game were amazing, including Max’s face, our hero’s face was frozen in a look as if too many French loaves and rich cheese had left him in considerable intestinal discomfort.

Best Reason to Make Movies Out of Games: Angelina Jolie as Lara Croft

I’m still waiting for Hollywood to pull the trigger on a Leisure Suit Larry movie with Adam Corolla in the lead. It would also be great to see Sierra take suggestions as to what body parts of what models and actresses we would like to see in the movie much like Valve is doing with the suggestions for it’s potential Half-Life movie.

Most One-Handed Friendly Controller: Dreamcast Controller

When trying to eat chips and play Tennis 2K2 at the same time, the DC controller offers superior precision and comfort to one-handed gaming.

Best Reason for PC Owners to Laugh at FPS on Consoles: (tie) Mouse and Keyboard

Nothing beats the precision of these two tools that were never meant for gaming but have evolved into the standard by which all UT and Q3A skills are measured.

Biggest Piss-off to PC FPS fans: (tie) Halo / Red Faction

Yes Halo is still coming to the PC, but doesn’t it just bug you that it’s for the X-Box first and that RF was released first on the PS2?

Best Reason for PC Owners to Jump Into the Console Market: (tie) Mouse, Keyboard, and broadband internet.

Yes loyal PC fans, they’re starting to see the mastery of the MK interface, and the beauty of broadband. You’ll never have your console owning buddies kick your ass anymore in another Goldeneye, or Perfect Dark. Instead you can frag them 10 times in a row while rocket jumping all over the place and trash talk to your TV rather than to your monitor!

Coolest Load Screen: Max Payne

You know the one I’m talking about if you’ve played the game. The black and white sideshot of Max looking over his shoulder, Beretta in hand; I practiced that one in the mirror.

Best Reason to Look Under the Couch for Change: Sega Dreamcast

Cheaper than a taking a date out and trying to "get lucky" on the first date by monetary spending alone, the Sega Dreamcast is bargained priced. I recently saw a package of NBA 2K2, Tennis 2K2, NFL 2K2, WSB 2K2, and the system for something ridiculous like $130US. Own this piece of history folks; it’s Sega’s last system, maybe forever, for those of you who didn’t know.

Best Use of Avians: (tie) Spyhunter / MGS2

(Tolen) Chicken mini-games in Spyhunter and the pooping seagulls in MGS2 – not to mention the item that turns you into a fire breathing chicken in Gauntlet Dark Legacy. It has been a very good year for birds.

Most gratuitous cleavage: Baldur’s Gate: Dark Alliance (PS2)

(Tolen) The barmaid nearly matches Druuna!

Surest sign of the Approaching Apocalypse: Mary-Kate and Ashely games

Most Blatant Rip-off that is Actually Kind of Fun: Simpson's Road Rage

Best Reason to Avoid Games Based on Crappy Television Shows:

(tie) Survivor and The Weakest Link

Somehow, both of these crappy shows are still on television. Yeah, I can’t believe it either. Even harder to believe is that someone thought it was a great idea to create games based on these two shows. How back-stabbing and insult-throwing would appeal to gamers is a mystery to me. I know what you're thinking, “Wait a minute, Stabbing? Throwing? Sounds great!” But you won’t think it sounds so great once you’ve sampled just three minutes of agonizingly painful gameplay on either one of these games.

Award for Excellence in the Field of Time Wasters: (tie) Air Command 3.0 and Silver Creek Card games

A lot of hours went into playing games this year, but two of the minor ones sucked away more of Omni’s time collectively than anything else.

Best Religious-Sounding Game that has Nothing to do with Religion: Halo

Just imagine if Pat Robertson ran a gaming software development company: “New, from Bible Thumpers Software, the FPS Halo! Shoot down the minions of Satan with the powerful halo-shooting Angel gun!” In reality, Halo is one of the best games to appear on any system in 2001.

Most Overused Word in Game Titles: “Strike”

Who works at the game-naming office these days, all those Major League Baseball umpires that got canned? Here’s a sampling of the strike games in the last 12 months or so (either already released or on the horizon): Half-Life: Counter Strike, I.G.I. 2: Covert Strike, F/A -18 Precision Strike Fighter, Sudden Strike, Deer Avenger 4: The Rednecks Strike Back. How about the gaming community borrows from a tradition baseball started. Instead of retiring player’s jerseys, let’s start retiring words used in game titles. Once they are retired they can never, EVER, be used as part of a game title again.

Best Line in a Videogame: (tie) World's Scariest Police Chases and NHL 2002

“…and now the punk that had no respect for other people’s property will become someone else’s property in jail…"

"Damn it, I spilled hot coffee all over my legs."

"THOSE WERE MY LEGS!!!"

"Well, I guess we're even then."

Most Likely to Induce Rages and/or Accidental Smashing: WWF Smackdown: Just Bring It!

(Tazman) 4.3 megs of memory needed? Are you freaking kidding? THAT's MORE THAN 1/2 a CARD!!!!! I had to go out and spend another 35 bucks so I could play the damn. (It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't bought a copy of Tony Hawk 3 while I was at the store... Damn those credit cards of mine!)

Marco Polo Award in the Field of "I Can't See What the Hell I'm Doing":

Gameboy Advance

It may have taken the world by storm, but shucks if it didn't make owners have to but at least 38 new lights for the little corner of the room that they were trying to play it in. Oddly enough it worked just fine played outdoors, away from where the consoles are, but with most gamers' natural fear of sunlight, it wasn't meant to be.

Worst Damn Movie based on a Game: (tie) Mortal Kombat Annihilation / Street Fighter

(Tazman) Whoever green lighted these turkeys is hopefully using their superior screen writing skills to clean urinals or make sure my french fries are crispy. Don't say Final Fantasy, no don't. I actually liked that movie. Stop laughing... I'm serious. (While neither came out in 2001, Tazman finally got around to watching them so he felt compelled to include them. And yes, we’re all laughing - Omni.)

Character Most Likely to be Turned into a Mod for the Pure Pleasure of Killing Him: Pikachu

(Tazman) Really now, whose isn't smiling viscerally at the pleasure of turning that yellow sack into carbon scoring on a wall? I know that I had WAY too much fun playing Barney Doom. BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Best Action Figure Packaging: Spawn XX

The card backs could be framed and called art.

Screenshot of the Year: Red Alert 2: Yuri’s Revenge