Dracula (McFarlane's Monsters)

by McFarlane Toys

Tracking down all the members of McFarlane’s Monsters is a difficult task – more so with Dracula.  We found him near St. Johns, Newfoundland (Canada) flinging hash at a roadside diner.  Obviously, Dracula’s life hasn’t been all dead rats and pigeons, but his current situation doesn’t seem to bother him as we found out in our telephone interview.

Armchair Empire (AE): How are things in St. Johns?

Dracula (D): Good, good.  The weather is crummy as hell, the people are nice – and tasty – and my boss isn’t a jerk.

AE: We haven’t met face-to-face for a while, how do you look nowadays?

D: For starters I’m a lot smaller, about 6” tall – bacon an’ eggs, ready for pick-up! – but that doesn’t take away from my chiseled good looks.  I’ve picked up quite a few more chains… high quality metal ones complete with plastic hooks and two or three bats.  Skin tone is about the same… kind of that dead flesh look.  And I’ve got places for my “pet” rats to grab onto my back.

AE: What about your cape?

D: Where’s the extinguisher?  Grease fire! [Whooshing sound]

AE: Is everything okay?

D: Fine, fine. You were asking about my cape.  I sure wish I had my old satin one.  I hobbled a new one together from Spawn’s cast-offs.  It’s translucent, which is cool, but it doesn’t cut down the Atlantic wind – doesn’t fit me properly, especially when the rats are on my back.

AE: Do you find much satisfaction with your work now?

D: Being a short-order cook ain’t so bad, although with my articulation placement it can be 

hard to work the fat fryer properly.  And my legs ain’t what they used to be either.  It’s a tricky thing for me to even stand on my own – that’s part of the reason my boss doesn’t let me wear my cape during working hours.  It only makes it harder for me to stand.  Being a Count would have been easier though since Counts aren’t expected to do much.

AE: Do you keep in touch with the rest of the Monsters?

D: After our last – I’m working on it! – after our last get together I don’t think we’ll ever patch things up.  Sure, the group photo looks great – like we should all be happy together forever – but there’s too much bad blood.  That jerk Mummy still argues that he’s older than me and Voodoo Queen keeps rejecting me!

AE: What are your plans for the future?

D: I had plans to open a string of daycare facilities, but it never got off the ground.  Seems like most parents don’t want their kids being looked after by a blood-sucking vampire.  And for some reasons kids cry whenever I’m around.

AE: Thanks for your time, Dracula.  All the best!

D: Bacon and cheese with Ceasar, no croutons, ready!

(May 29, 2002)